Nightmares
by Dylan S. Thompson
Summary: Two men, tortured by nighmares, confess their sins to each other one sleepless night.
1. Albus' Story

Nightmares

Part 1: Albus' Story

Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry was almost utterly empty. Christmas Vacation had been called over a month early in celebration of Voldemort's defeat at the hands of the infant Harry Potter, and the remaining students had, bar none, gone home to be with whatever family they had left. The professors, even Minerva McGonagall, who usually stayed at Hogwarts every day of the year, had also all left the premises. The ghosts too had one by one floated off the grounds in search of ghostly celebrations for them to attend. Moaning Myrtle was the last to leave, hours after the others, wailing about the fact that no one had waited for her. Only two people had failed to leave Hogwarts, and they were not teacher nor student, ghost nor poltergeist. One was Headmaster Albus Dumbledore and the other was Severus Snape.

Both men had obvious reasons to stay behind: Snape was a hunted man outside of the castle, and Albus had to stay to protect both the building and young Severus. Although Albus was supposed to be protecting Severus, they didn't interact much. In fact, for the first few days of their stay, Severus made a point of avoiding Dumbledore entirely. He stayed locked in his room for the most part, sending for his meals and leaving only in the dead of night, when he could stay in his rooms no longer.

Severus thought that these late-night excursions weren't known, but, really, what at Hogwarts isn't known to Albus Dumbledore? The Headmaster allowed Severus his illusions for a couple of days, thinking that he would eventually come out of his shell, but soon Albus decided that another course of action was necessary.

The young man was sitting at the Head Table, in the empty Great Hall at two thirty in the morning, when Albus decided to show himself.

"Hello, Severus," intoned the old man quietly, coming up behind the former Death Eater.

The young man didn't startle as Dumbledore had expected him to do, nor did he turn his head. Instead, after a second of silence, he answered in a hallow voice, "Hello, Headmaster."

"We're both adults now, Severus," said the Headmaster gently, "you should call me Albus."

"If you say so," responded Severus flatly.

Albus eased himself into a chair next to Severus and conjured up two cups of tea. He pushed one cup towards the younger man, but did not insist he drink it. They sat in silence for awhile, Albus giving Severus a chance to speak, Severus giving Albus a chance to leave. Finally, when it became apparent that Severus was not going to talk, Albus broke the silence.

"You've been here with me for almost a week, and every night of that time you've wandered the halls from midnight till almost dawn."

"Yes," replied Severus, noncommittally, knowing there was no point in lying to the Headmaster.

"And, as you seem to be rather used to this, I do not think I would be incorrect in assuming that this is not a new occurrence?"

"No," answered Severus again.

"Nightmares?" guessed Dumbledore gently; hoping to get Severus to open up about what was so obviously tormenting him.

Severus hesitated for a moment, then, resigned, he let out a sigh and nodded. Albus nodded in return, pushing down the urge to pat the younger man on the hand, and said, "I understand what you're going through."

At this Severus finally emerged from his apathetic shell and sneered, "What can Albus Dumbledore, Champion on the light, possibly know of what I'm going through? Of the horrors that tear through my mind every single time I close my eyes?"

A pained look crossed Dumbledore's features, both at the harsh words and at the memories they caused to surface, and he said softly, "I have seen many horrible things in my years, Severus. I have nightmares of my own."

Severus snorted derisively and bitterly said, "I doubt your nightmares even begin to comparing with mine, Headmaster. No disrespect intended, but seeing the consequences of others and doing the acts themselves are two entirely separate things."

"Have you forgotten that I am the "Great" Killer of Grindelwald? His entire body liquidated before my very eyes."

"Grindelwald was an evil man," Severus replied, though he still sounded a bit sick. "He'd probably killed hundreds of people. I'm talking of innocents. You couldn't understand that."

Dumbledore looked at Severus appraisingly for a second. Then, letting out a resigned sigh, he said, "I was not always the man I am today, Severus. I too was young once, and I made mistakes, the same as you." Seeing that Severus was still unconvinced, Albus sighed and asked, "Severus, have you ever heard of Jon Abrams?"

Severus shook his head, and Dumbledore said, "No, very few have. Especially in England."

"Who is he?" asked Severus, curious.

"I'll get to that in one second," said Albus, wringing his hands. "First I must go back a little. I graduated Hogwarts in 1859, and though I was only eighteen I was considered to be a master of Transfiguration and Charms. In anything relying upon a wand, in fact, I was knowledgeable far beyond my years. So, when it came time to apprentice for a subject I decided to use the opportunity to improve my power in other areas. I asked my Potions professor the name of the greatest practitioner of the subject in the entire word, and I asked my Herbology professor the same thing. Surprisingly, the answer was the same for both subjects: Julian Mayfair."

Severus' eyes widened and he whispered, awestruck, "You studied under the Julian Mayfield?"

Albus grinned at the wonderment present in Severus' voice and said, "For a few years I did. I had to stop suddenly, for reasons I'll reveal shortly."

Though Severus was filled with hundreds of questions about Dumbledore's time with the Great Julian Mayfield, who was regarded almost unanimously as the greatest Potions master of the modern age, he slowly nodded for the Headmaster to go on.

Albus collected his thoughts and steeled himself, continuing, "Because of the recommendations of my Headmaster and most of my teachers, Julian decided to accept me, and in the summer of 1859 I traveled by boat to Louisiana."

"Why didn't you just apparate?"

Albus smiled fondly and remarked, "I was following Julian's first order to me: He told me that I needed to break myself of using "foolish wand-waving" in every situation. He said that that was the biggest handicap a witch or wizard must overcome in order to study Potions correctly.  
For a couple of years I studied under Julian peacefully, happier than I had been in my entire life. The only blight on the entire experience was my rising horror and disgust at the way the Americans treated their Black population. The outbreak of their Civil War in my third year of study only made things worse. Prejudice became open violence and Black slaves were killed almost weekly. At first it seemed that I was the only person in all of New Orleans who gave a damn about the slaves, but one day in late 1861 my mind was changed about that.  
I was walking down Bourbon Street on one of my free days, like I always did, when I saw a young man, younger than me, surrounded by a crowd of people, shouting at them. I couldn't hear what he was saying so I made my way closer to him. When I got within hearing distance I found, to my utter shock, that this young man, this kid, was upbraiding a huge group of men about their treatment of the slaves. He said that slavery was the worst thing one human being could do to another, that they were lower than monkeys for treating fellow human beings with hatred and contempt without any reason, that they were going to burn in Hell for all eternity while the people they treated so poorly would sit in Heaven and laugh at their torture, and he said much more than that."

"Brave," intoned Severus. "Brave and stupid."

Dumbledore nodded absently, saying, "He was both the smartest and the stupidest man I've ever met. His mind was almost astonishingly sharp, but at the same time he had no regard for his own life, and he regularly gave these 'suicide speeches', as I later named them, and he had dozens of other self-destructive tendencies."

"So, what happened?" questioned Severus.

"I found myself agreeing with ever word he said, though I didn't really believe in the Christian Institutions of Heaven and Hell. I was listening, entranced to everything he said, when, suddenly, a man in front took out a muggle weapon called a 'pistol' and threatened to kill the speaker if he didn't shut his mouth. Instead of being afraid, the speaker stepped closer to the man, whispered something to him, and then took away his weapon so fast I didn't even see it. My respect for the man soared as he began to laugh in the man's dumbfounded face. Then, before anything else could happen, he announced that he was done and began to shoo the crowd away.  
After everyone was gone, he turned to me and smiled brightly and said, 'Hello! If you've hung around to try to kill me, can you at least wait until I've had a whisky?'"

Dumbledore leaned back in his chair, grinning, lost in the power and charisma even now, and said, "And that's how I met Jon Abrams."

"Are we getting to the point of this?" asked Severus impatiently, hoping to hear more of Julian Mayfield.

Dumbledore sighed and said, "Unfortunately, yes. Johnny and I became friends quickly, and we were soon spending every spare minute together. It soon became apparent that Johnny was more than just a loudmouth on the street – he was a radical, a revolutionary. And he was much more than just talk. It was a few months into our friendship before he told me about his group. It wasn't much at the time, but it was still responsible for its share of destruction. He told me that we would be changing the way people thought, liberating an entire race of people, and bringing down a tyrannical government all at once. And I bought every word of it.  
I dove straight into the group, helping Johnny organize it properly, giving it a proper name – the Order of Minos, stopping Johnny from doing the Suicide Speeches, and we started to recruit members in secret. By the time he figured out I was a wizard, our little group had grown almost tenfold."

Severus' eyes widened and his mouth hung slack. "Did you just say he 'figured out' that you were a wizard?" asked Severus, shocked and incredulous.

Dumbledore nodded and said, "Like I said, Johnny was the most brilliant mind I've ever come across. It took him less than six months of intermittent contact with me to deduce that I was magical, and, what's more, he managed to trick me into confirming his suspicions."

"Merlin's ghost," Severus breathed in wonder.

"Johnny had natural powers of manipulation and persuasion," Dumbledore explained. "Even though he was a muggle, it was as if his breath oozed Veritaserum and his voice was a natural Imperius. After I admitted what I was, Johnny made me his second-in-command, and, basking in the glow of his approval, I told him absolutely everything I knew about the magical world – I even taught him to brew a couple of simple potions. And he used this knowledge to ensnare me even more into his cause. He started telling me that once we finished with the Confederacy we would storm England and win equal rights for Werewolves, Centaurs, Goblins, and anything else that needed it. He used my idealism against me in the worst way after he found out I was a wizard, and afterwards the seduction was complete. I was his, totally, and would do anything for the cause." Dumbledore finished, sounding grim, and said, "And I did."

"Like what?" asked Severus quietly.

Dumbledore's face was lined with sorrow as he said, bitterly, "There wasn't much I didn't do. I brewed explosive potions that couldn't be traced by the muggles and we bombed plantations, supply trains, and countless government buildings; we burned crops; we kidnapped, tortured, and executed overseer and plantation owners. Towards the end of it all, Johnny took to walking up to veterans on the street in broad daylight, shooting as many as possible, and then using me to apparate us out of the area. But the worst thing, his 'masterstroke of genius' as he called it, was…"

Albus trailed off, and Severus, knowing too well the all-consuming shame Albus was experiencing, gave him a moment to compose himself before prompting him again, saying, "Yes?"

"Johnny knew all about Transfiguration because of what I had told him, and he knew that I was good as it. So he devised a plan incorporating those facts. We would…would kidnap the daughters of plantation owners. And, by this time, Johnny had put aside how this was going to change the mindset of anyone. Or maybe it had always been like that, and I was just too foolish to see. By this time Johnny just wanted to hurt and punish the people he hated as painfully and degradingly as possible. He was in it for pure bloodlust. And…so was I.  
Anyway, we would kidnap these girls and he would have me transfigure myself or him or the both of us to look like a slave – the bigger the better – and…we would viciously rape them." Albus closed his eyes at that confession and rubbed them with his thumb and his index finger. When he looked back up at Severus, the old man looked worse than Severus had ever seen him. For the first time Severus had ever seen, Dumbledore was not in control of himself. As he continued, tears began to silently fall from his usually lively blue eyes, "Some of these girls weren't even ten yeas old, for Merlin's sake! And I had no qualms whatsoever for the longest time! I thought they deserved it."

Silence fell between the two men, and Severus didn't dare break it. After what seemed like years, Albus finally admitted, in almost a whisper, "I have nightmares about a lot of things, Severus, but the screams of those littler girls that I raped all those years ago punctuate every single one."

There was another long silence after that confession, during which Dumbledore peered into nothing, eyes glassy, and his mind deep in the past. After a long while, he let out a weary sigh, and opened his mouth to finish his story, "Eventually, thank the gods, my sense began to return to me and I started to doubt what we were doing. I didn't voice my thoughts, but Johnny must have sensed something was amiss because he started to slowly phase me out of the Order's activities. I finally decided to leave when the Civil War ended, for a couple of reasons.  
First of all, Johnny kept on with his 'fun' even though our enemies, the Confederacy and slavery, had been eradicated. He kept on blowing up government buildings, despite the fact that the government was a good one who had just helped achieve two of our three main goals. It was then that I realized that, truly, Johnny wasn't fighting for a cause or an ideal, and hadn't been for a long while. Secondly, the Wizarding Presidency had stayed with the Union during the war, so the magical elements we used in our bombs couldn't be traced by the Confederacy, which was entirely muggle. Once we started bombing Union buildings, though, they were on our tail. Six months after the war ended the Federal Bureau of Magical Investigation had followed the trail straight to New Orleans. They were mere days away from finding out everything when I told Johnny that I was leaving."

Dumbledore let out a hollow little laugh and said, "It shows how much of a hold Johnny had over me that he convinced me to bring him with me. He said he'd been worrying for months that he'd lost sight of the true cause, and that he believed that some time away with his best friend, his partner, the one who'd always calmed him and kept him grounded would be the perfect thing for him. It wasn't even that good of a lie, but my mind instantly accepted it, happily humming and convinced that the 'real Johnny' was back. He gave me the job of packing up all of our things and then he went to round up the members and officially disband the group.  
It was only supposed to take an hour, but that hour passed, then two, then three, and four was almost gone when Johnny burst into the house we shared, which we also used as Headquarters, covered in blood and dirt, holding onto a lantern and four bottles of whisky with rags shoved into the mouths of them. I jumped up, panicked, trying to demand to know where he'd been and what the hell had happened, but he cut me off. 'Go!' he screamed, lighting a couple of the rags with the lantern. 'They're right behind me! Just apparate out of here! Go back to Europe and forget any of this every happened!'  
Then he threw the bottles into adjacent rooms, and they exploded into flames, engulfing everything inside. I did what he told me to almost without thinking, and the last time I ever saw Johnny he was dropping one of the flaming bottled right at his feet."

"So you just came back home and never tried to turn yourself in?" asked Severus, indignant at that possibility, considering what he'd done a couple of years earlier.

"I tried to turn myself in a couple of years later, "Dumbledore answered with a laugh, "but Johnny had outsmarted everyone this time."

"What do you mean?" asked Severus, surprised.

"Johnny purged our little group out of existence," Albus answered simply. "He 'disbanded' the Order by calling them all together for an emergency meeting, slipping them all some Paralyzing Potion, and then butchering them all. That's what he was doing for the four hours that I was waiting for him. Then he torched the building they were in, and ran to our house. The authorities were after him, but I learned from an officer in America that it was only because an anonymous tip, which _had_ to be Johnny, had been delivered telling them when and where he was going to be. He orchestrated the whole thing perfectly: they arrived just in time to see a figure run into the house, and before they could even begin to move the place was engulfed in flames. And, at almost the exact same instant, miles away, a bomb at their department headquarters detonated, the last act of the Order of Minos. Johnny disappeared from the world that night after killing over 100 people, burning down two buildings, and bombing a Federal Agency in less than four hours. All the files on him and the Order were gone, all our notes were burned, and all the people in the entire word who could say for sure that a terrorist group called the Order of Minos existed at all were dead, except for me. Johnny knew that I could easily overpower him if he tried to kill me, so he flawlessly placed me out of reach until everything just went away. When I tried to turn myself in, they practically laughed in my face. The whole debacle had been one of the biggest embarrassments in the history of the Bureau, and no one wanted anything to do with it. Not only did no one care anymore, but there was no proof that the Order ever even existed. It was like confessing to killing God. I was back home in less than a week."

"And Johnny?"

Albus shrugged. "The Agents had the place surrounded the entire time it burned down, but there was no body found inside. I don't know how it could have possibly been managed, but if anyone could escape that situation it would be Johnny. The Americans, though, the Americans don't have my faith. They announced him to be dead, burnt to ashes, and buried the entire embarrassing affair with them. Either way though, alive or dead, I never saw him again."

Severus gazed at Dumbledore, seeing him differently than he'd ever seen the old man before. He'd always taken it for granted that Dumbledore was this perfect rock upon which the defense of the Light was founded upon. Severus had always thought Dumbledore a saint, and now, knowing that he'd made mistakes, horrible mistakes, just like everyone else made him seem more human. Severus wasn't sure if that was a good thing.

"Now do you believe that I can understand what you are going through?" asked Dumbledore, smiling grimly, interrupting Severus' thoughts.

Severus nodded, but stayed silent.

"Good," said Albus, his smile losing a little bit of its grimness, "then maybe you'd like to tell me of your nightmares, now that I've told you of mine?"

Severus hesitated for a few seconds, but finally nodded his assent. For almost a minute, Severus stayed silent, organizing his thoughts, wondering where to begin. During this time Dumbledore didn't push him, knowing how difficult it was to begin a confession.

When he was ready Severus opened his mouth and haltingly began.

"It started with Lucius Malfoy…"

To Be Continued…


	2. Severus' Story

Nightmares

Part 2 – Severus' Story

"Well," Severus considered, "I suppose that's not entirely true. Lucius began to groom me to enter the service of the Dark Lord almost as soon as I entered Hogwarts, but to understand what made me so appealing I must tell you of my father."

Severus took a deep breath before continuing, "My father was a cruel, sadistic, abusive drunk who I hated more than anyone in my life. When I was very young and he used to beat my mother, all I would do, all I could do, was sit in a corner and cry, but as I got older I used my hatred as a motivator. I spent all my time in our library, engrossed in our dark arts books, learning the most vicious curses I could, and then I would practice on him, provoking him so he wouldn't hurt my mother."

Severus paused, looking pained, and took a sip of his tea. He was silent, his mind focused on what came next, his time at Hogwarts, debating how much he should tell Dumbledore, and wondering how much the old man, who at time seemed omniscient, already knew. He shrugged and decided to only tell if Dumbledore asked.

"The system seemed to work, and my mother went almost a year without a bruise or broken bone. That all changed when I went to Hogwarts. When I received my letter I had mixed emotions: on one hand, I was excited to go and learn and be with children my own age. On the other hand, while I was gone my mother would be all alone with my father. She tried to reassure me, but I was worried nonetheless. That's how I arrived here: terribly worried, but terribly excited as well." Severus grimaced as he remembered his excitement upon entering Hogwarts, which was only to be replaced by flaying disappointment. "What excited me most, even more than the books and learning, was the prospect of interacting with kids my own age, of having friends. I had been sheltered from everyone else for as long as I could remember. I had been so sheltered, in fact, that I had no idea that everyone at Hogwarts was going to hate me."

Dumbledore chose that moment to interrupted, speaking for the first time since he'd finished his own tale. "I'm sure that not everyone hated you," he admonished.

Severus shrugged, looking depressed, and said, "It seemed like it at the time. Even the teachers didn't like me."

"I liked you, Severus," admitted Dumbledore. "I thought you had an amazing mind. Your skill at potions was astounding, even then. Speaking as someone who has worked with the man, your skills at potions rival even Julian Mayfair's."

"Thank you," said Severus, genuinely touched.

Dumbledore smiled warmly, and then nodded for Severus to continue.

"Well, you know pretty much all of what went on during my school years – the fights, the cursings, the feuds, all that. But I guess there are some things that even you don't know."

"There are a great many things that I don't know," interrupted Dumbledore seriously. "Such as when Lucius Malfoy first approached you about joining Tom."

"He didn't mention the Dark Lord at the time," Severus said, "but Lucius approached me, offering his friendship, which means his protection, on my second day."

"You second day?" asked Dumbledore, astounded. "Why so soon?"

"The night before, as we were settling into our rooms, my roommates taunted and mocked me, trying to assert their control over me, and I responded by cursing all four of them until they hardly resembled humans." Severus smiled at the memory of their shocked faces as he pulled his wand. They had thought him weak and easily manipulated, and their mistake had cost them. "When the spells wore off they went running to Malfoy, expecting him to punish me, but he surprised them by praising me and, basically, taking me under his wing.  
With Malfoy behind me no one in Slytherin dared to torment me, though they resented me desperately. But, on the other hand, having Malfoy behind me caused most of the kids in the other houses to hate me instantly and mostly without reason. Still, despite all that, I had a relatively good first year: I made several friends, a plethora of enemies, and I'd established myself in one of the most elite groups in the school.  
Then Lucius graduated, and everything fell apart. The core group that Malfoy had been leader of still respected me, but all the other Slytherins considered it open season. I had to fight duel after duel, defend myself against ambush after ambush, and this was just among my housemates, where everything was kept quiet. Outside, I had to suffer the same, especially from Potter and his cronies, but I would always end up getting punished.  
That's how it went for awhile. Lucius kept in touch, always dropping hints about the 'noble' work he was doing; it eventually became apparent to my fellow Slytherins that they couldn't surprise me nor defeat me in a legitimate duel, so they left me alone, and by the time I was in fourth year I was the_ de facto_ leader of Lucius' former gang. Sure, there was a figurehead seventh year to keep up appearances, but I held the true power in Slytherin.  
It wasn't until seventh year that Lucius approached me directly about entering into the Dark Lord's service. He said that I'd been watched since my first year, and that the Dark Lord was very pleased, which didn't surprise me. Lucius then told me that his master wanted to meet me in person, which did. Because of certain…personal events in my life at the time, I accepted Lucius' offer when usually I wouldn't have."

Severus was almost afraid to look at Albus, knowing that he surely would have picked up on Severus' hesitation and would figure out that he was hiding something. And Severus knew that Albus would ask.

"What personal events?" asked Albus lightly, confirming Severus' fears. "They must have been very important if they drove you into Tom's arms."

Severus opened his mouth, and then hesitated. Seeing this, Albus said, placating, "Come, Severus, you have no reason to fear. I will not think less of you, no matter what you tell me."

"I'm not very worried about your opinion of me," said Severus, still hesitant. "I'm worried that I will ruin your image of the other person involved."

Dumbledore raised his eyebrows, curious, but said nothing. Severus sighted, taking this as a sign to continue.

"Ok, but you're the only I've ever told. And I'm not going into details, so don't ask."

"Very well," responded Dumbledore, even more curious.

Severus took a steadying breath and said, "At the beginning of my seventh year my girlfriend left me, or so I believed."

"I didn't know you were romantically involved with anyone before Bellatrix," Dumbledore said mildly.

"Nobody did," replied Snape, sardonically. "That was the entire point."

"Am I allowed to ask who the lucky girl was?" inquired Albus, smiling.

"It was Lily Evans," snapped Severus, fed up with the Headmaster's playfulness.

Dumbledore's eyes widened in surprise and he breathed, "Was it indeed?"

Severus nodded, scowling, but otherwise didn't respond.

_He must still think that I am going to condemn him, strange as that may seem,_ thought Albus. When he realized this he put on his most cheerful smile and exclaimed, "Surely you don't expect me to hate you for that? Why one earth would something that happened during your school days change my thinking of you? Or Lily, for the matter?"

To Albus' surprise, his acceptance didn't uplift Severus' sprits. In fact, it did quite the opposite.

"Because there's more," answered Severus sadly. "Several times in seventh year, after our break up, when she was with Potter, we were…together."

"Oh," said Albus, surprised again. "Is that all?"

Severus shook his head, looking wretched, and said, "After our seventh year we went our separate ways, of course. But about a year later we happened to run into each other, and we talked. We did more than talk by the time the night was through. And it was not a one time thing. Lily and I were together, behind Potter's back, right up until her death."

At the word 'death' Severus lowered his head so that Dumbledore could not see how close he was to tears. Albus had to restrain himself from putting a comforting hand on the young man's shoulder because he knew he hated being comforted. Instead, the Headmaster quirked an eyebrow and asked, "And she was fine with the fact that you were a Death Eater?"

Severus answered, voice thick, without lifting his head. "She didn't love the idea, of course, but, especially in the beginning, she just didn't care."

Lifting his head and looking at the Headmaster, voice grim, Severus continued, "What you've got to understand is that, when we met again, she was at the edge of despair. She was supremely unhappy with almost all aspects of her life for reasons that I will not go into, and she came to me, I think sometimes, because she knew I was a Death Eater. She knew I would either fuck her or kill her, and she was fine with either option."

"Why didn't you kill her?" asked Dumbledore, trying to lead the conversation slowly back to the original topic. "Was it because of your prior relationship?"

Bitter laughter bubbled from Severus' lips, and he said, "You think far too much of me, Headmaster. If she had come to me even a month before I would almost certainly have dispatched her without hesitation. She survived because, by dumb luck, she approached me at a time when my mind frame was similar to hers. I talked to her because I knew there was a chance that she was trying to trap me, to capture me and send me to Azkaban and the kiss, and I was okay with that."

"What happened to make you like that?"

Severus shrugged and said, "Same as you, pretty much. I just finally woke up and came to my senses. I'd never really believed in Pureblood Supremacy or any of that rot. I'd joined because I was angry and hateful and because I wanted to punish as many people as possible, not because I actually believed in the cause. I'm not sure if that makes me better or worse than the others."

"Why were you so angry and hateful?" asked Dumbledore.

Severus laughed desolately and said, "Why wasn't I? My mother had just been beaten to death by my father, my sworn enemies seemed to be on the way to succeeding in ways I couldn't' imagine, these same sworn enemies had tried to kill me and were let off with almost no punishment, I'd been passed over for head Boy even though my grades were near perfect, Lily left me when she found out I was a Death Eater, and then the only other girl I ever felt anything for waited until we'd been dating for almost a year before she mentioned the little fact that she was betrothed to probably the dullest man I'd ever met. As I joined the ranks of the Death Eaters, I was feeling a little hateful."

Dumbledore looked at Severus, confused, and said, "Wait a second…I thought you met with Tom because Lily broke up with you?"

Severus shrugged and said in a regretful tone, "I thought she was seeing Potter behind my back because of all the time she spent with him. It was just me being stupid and paranoid, but it drove me insane with jealousy. In the end it turned out to be a 'serpent-eating-its-own-tail' type of situation. I met with the Dark Lord because I thought she had left me, and she left me because I met with the Dark Lord."

"What happened after you joined Tom's service," asked Dumbledore, not wanting Severus to get lost in depression again thinking of Lily.

"I quickly and unintentionally endeared myself to him and ultimately became one of his favorite followers," Severus answered. Seeing Dumbledore's questioning gaze, Severus quickly clarified, "You might not know this, but at Death Eater must request permission from the Dark Lord before he or she can kill a pureblood wizard. Muggleborns and half-bloods can be murdered any time, but purebloods must be allowed. And the first thing I did, almost as soon as I got the mark, was ask for permission to kill my father. The Dark Lord, as you might guess, loved this. And then I entered into my year of faithful service, and became one of his favorites because of my bloodthirsty and sadistic actions. I killed hundreds of people in that year alone and even the cruelest and most heartless Death Eaters found me vicious. Only Bellatrix could match me, and we had a romantic reunion of sorts because of our bloodlust. We didn't keep our affair secret from Rodolphus, though. In fact, I used to openly taunt him because of it. Not that I was the only Death Eater Bella was fucking, of course. Rodolphus was the most cuckolded man in England by the time they went to prison.  
But, eventually, I started to realize that no matter how many people I killed, tortured, or raped I didn't feel any better. Even killing my father, responsible for so much of my suffering, didn't give me any satisfaction. When that epiphany hit me, it hit me that all the blood I had shed was for nothing. I became consumed with guilt and was totally lost. It was only later, when I recognized that being with Lily mad me happy where the killing only made me evendeader inside, that I decided to leave the Dark Lord's service."

"And you came to me," Dumbledore stated simply.

"Only because of Lily," Severus pointed out. "If she hadn't been there for me I simply would have killed myself."

"Then she is more of a heroine than I ever knew," said Dumbledore softly. "If you hadn't been our spy hundreds of lives would have been lost."

Severus nodded, but said morosely, "That doesn't change what I did before I left, however. Even after I left I had to kill to keep up appearances. Those are the faces that haunt me in my nightmares, Headmaster."

Dumbledore nodded, understanding perfectly, and said, "I'm not going to lie to you and say that they'll go away with time or anything of that sort. They will get better, Severus, but will never go away completely. Even after more than one hundred years I still awake screaming. The only thing we can do is to try to strike a balance, to try to do enough good that we can forgive ourselves for the bad."

"How on earth am I supposed to do that," asked Severus sarcastically, yet with a hint of desperate hopelessness, "give to children's organizations? Feed the poor? Give reparations to the families I killed? I can't do that and you know it. However much those fools out there want to delude themselves, this isn't over. The Dark Lord is still alive, and most of his followers are too, and if I begin to make amends and make nice to the muggleborns I won't be able to do my job when he comes back."

"I think I have the perfect way," said Dumbledore, grinning for the first time in quite awhile.

"What?"

"I want you to teach here at Hogwarts," responded Albus, eyes twinkling.

Severus snorted derisively and said dismissively, "A twenty-one year old ex-Death Eater teaching at Hogwarts? No one would stand for it! The Board of Governors alone would rip you apart."

Dumbledore's grin only widened as he shot back, "you forget that you old friend Lucius Malfoy is on the Board now that his father is dead, and Malfoy money has controlled the other members for generations. Owl him and weave a story about how you've duped me into believing you've reformed and how you plan to get closer to me, gathering info for when Tom comes back."

Severus skepticism was slowly melting away as he continued Dumbledore's thought, "Lucius would eat that up. The very idea of pulling the wool over your eyes is enough to make him salivate. And I'll really sell it when I point out that I'll be training the next generation of Death Eaters right under your nose. When, in actuality, I'll be making stupid, spoiled brats with no capacity for defense." Severus paused and peered at Dumbledore. "I will be teaching defense, correct?"

Dumbledore shook his head and said, "That's not possible, Severus. Timothy has been our Defense Against the Dark Arts professor for almost five years now. I cannot simply push him aside for you."

Severus looked slightly sullen as he asked, "Then how am I to seriously influence the students? Our plan would require me to be more than a simple professor of an ordinary subject."

Dumbledore grinned indulgently and replied, "It seems that the fates are smiling upon us, Severus. Not five nights ago Professor Nighy submitted his letter of resignation. You, my young friend, will be the Head of Slytherin House."

Severus stared at the old man in shock. "You've gone completely insane," he exclaimed, "No one will stand for that! The teachers would riot! They'd all hate me for starting out above them. Headmaster, I'd be the youngest person on the staff and I'd be making more than almost all of them."

"You'd be the youngest person ever on the staff," Albus pointed out, still grinning.

Severus gaped. Dumbledore grinned and sipped his tea.

After a few seconds of stunned silence, Severus opened his mouth to argue, but Dumbledore cut him off, his voice suddenly harder, more authoritative. "Severus, do you trust me?"

"Yes…" answered Severus hesitantly.

"Then trust me," finished Dumbledore.  
Severus stared at Dumbledore, not used to fully trusting anyone, but he finally shrugged and said, "Very well."

Dumbledore's grin widened and he peered up at the enchanted ceiling and exclaimed, "Ah, the sun is coming up! I suggest we continue our discussions over breakfast!"

Without waiting for reply, he clapped his hands together, which caused mountains of food to appear in front of them out of thin air. After they had filled their plates to overflowing, Severus turned to Dumbledore, smiling slightly, and prompted, "So, tell me more about Julian Mayfair."

Pausing with an entire bratwurst halfway to his mouth, Dumbledore smiled fondly and said, "Well, the first thing you've got to understand about Julian, and it was certainly the very first thing he would tell when meeting new people, is that he was outrageously homosexual…"

A/N: There will be an epilogue, and then it's the end.


	3. Epilogue

Nightmares

Epilogue – June, 1996

Severus and Albus sat in the old man's office at opposite sides of a muggle chess board, a vial of Dreamless Sleep potion sitting adjacent to the board. "Alright," Severus announced amiably, "you know the drill. One game; loser takes the potion."

Fourteen years after Severus first came to Hogwarts as an adult and neither man's nightmares had lessened – if anything they had gotten worse. Both the Headmaster and the Potions Master hated inducing peaceful sleep through potions, but, on occasion they played a game in which the loser had to drink the draught. This was one of those occasions.

They played in silence for several minutes, both trying to best the other's silence. Surprisingly, as the game of chess moved toward their midgames, Severus was the one whose resolve crumbled first. "I'm not happy he's dead, I hope you know."

Dumbledore moved his rook forward, capturing one of Severus' pawns. "I never even thought to consider that you were," Albus answered in a placating tone.

"I won't pretend to grieve his death…" Severus started again, harshly.

"I wouldn't expect you too."

"…but I'm not happy about it," the Potions Master finished.

A silence fell over the two friends, and they played their game in silence for awhile. Again, it was Severus who finally broke the silence.

"I'm sorry for the Wolf, but that's all," announced Severus, almost desperately.

"His name is Remus," pointed out Dumbledore, not taking his eyes off the board. "I would think that a smart boy such as yourself would've been able to pick that up, considering you've known him for more than twenty years."

Severus only glared.

Silence fell over them again, like it had a thousand times before in the early hours of the morning. This time Severus didn't feel the urge to speak, and it was Albus who shattered the silence. "For a moment, when Tom took Harry's body and asked for me to kill him, I considered doing it."

"What stopped you?" queried the Potions Master, taking his queen across the board.

"I came to my senses. I was momentarily lost in the heat of the battle when he started to possess Harry and I heard Harry's screams. It was just too much for a moment."

"It might have worked," argued Severus. "Prophecies are always far too open to interpretation for their own good."

"I did not want to gamble the freedom of all wizard-king on a 'might', Severus," contested Dumbledore, moving his knight, putting the younger man in check.

Severus beat a hasty retreat, both verbally and in the game, and they played in without words for a few minutes more. After being put in check himself, Dumbledore peered at Severus and admitted, "Harry blames you for what happened to Sirius."

Severus actually smirked at that. "Of course he does," he said off-handedly, "That's always been the point, has it not?"

Dumbledore lowered his head, admitting that it was. "Still," he added, "it's difficult to see him so hateful towards you."

"It must be this way," said Severus, moving a pawn forward into the last square on the board, promoting it into a queen. "For many reasons, which we both decided upon long ago."

Dumbledore sighed. "I know, Severus."

More moves were made, and Severus thought he was close to winning when he said, "Perhaps, when everything is over, I will demand a collective apology from Potter and the other two."

"Will you indeed?" inquired Dumbledore with an upraised eyebrow. "That would be a sight to see."

Severus smiled slyly and continued, "And, after he was finished and the slates were wiped clean, I would take utter delight in informing him that he had a fifty-fifty chance of being my child."

A small smile was the only response that came from Dumbledore, though Severus knew he was greatly amused. "I would imagine," Dumbledore understated, "that he wouldn't appreciate that."

"After seeing the look on his face after that, I could die happy."

"That's good," said Dumbledore mildly, "because he'd probably kill you."

Coils of laughter that both men had been holding sprung free at that point, and each lost themselves in laughter. As they began to gain control of themselves, Dumbledore, wiping tears from his eyes, said, "It's good that we can laugh like this, Severus. When Tom steals that, he will have truly won."

Severus nodded and said, "Then it's a good thing we have people like the Weasley twins around, who will never cease laughing or inspiring people to laugh."

"Yes it is," said Dumbledore, and then he finally made the fatal move for which Severus had been waiting.

"Checkmate," Severus said after making his killing move. Then, grinning triumphantly, he pushed the bottle of potion towards the Headmaster and sat back smugly in his chair, putting his hands behind his head.

Dumbledore calmly watched this spectacle and then said, "I should force you to play against Mr. Weasley so you could learn some humility."

"One lucky match when you are eleven doesn't make one a chess master," quipped Severus.

"An undefeated record against all comers in Gryffindor belies his skill," returned Dumbledore.

"Yes, but Gryffindor has never been known for their chess stars."

Dumbledore put an end to their banter by stating, "Ron is among the best players I've ever seen, and I've played against the likes of Paul Morphy."

"Fine, fine," said Severus, holding his hands up in defeat. "Now take your potion, old man, and then you can be rid of your damn delusions of Gryffindor superiority."

The old man in question laughed lightly and then knocked back the vial in a single swallow. Then, without a word, he slowly began to make his way to his personal quarters. Severus watched his friend go until he was out of sight, and then he whispered to himself, "Happy reprieve, friend."

With a wave of his hand the chess pieces moved back to their starting positions. Sighing, Severus stood up and glanced at the clock.

It was only two thirty; with any luck some exceptionally courageous Gryffindor would still be out. Severus set off to the halls with a grin on his face.

The End


End file.
